The Observer's Blog

How To Drink A Beer At Work

Here I will summarize some of the salient points of practicing the art of beer-drinking in the workplace:

• If possible wait until most of the people have left. That way, if anyone does see you drinking at work, they will be less likely to think it inappropriate.

• In fact, if you plan on drinking more than a beer or two, you should probably wait until you are about to leave your position at that workplace. People will care less about what you do if you're not going to be around in a couple of weeks. (Actually, it's probably more of an issue of the amount of time their subconscious will have to associate you inappropriate behavior/alcoholism.)

• Depending on the sort of ambience you're going for, you will either want to close or leave open your door. Which option you choose will also depend on the time of day and how "laid back" your workplace is. If your cubicle would be readily visible from the hallway the safest bet is to close your door most of the way. I don't recommend closing the door all the way: if you have a visitor they will probably think you're an alcoholic.

• If you are at all concerned with your image and reputation as a beer-drinker, you will likely be drinking beer out of a bottle. If it's not a convenient twist top, then hopefully you have a bottle opener. If not, and if you don't walk all the way to the break room (this is especially likely if you've already had a few beers), then your only option is likely to use the metal part of your doorstop, a technique which is known to be very effective.

• However, if you've ever open a beer bottle on a doorstop, then you know that you will almost certainly spill some beer in the process. Assuming your workplace has tiled floors, this is certainly an acceptable sacrifice (again, especially if you've already had a few beers) when compared to walking all the way to that break room . . . the important part of this bullet is that you should WIPE UP ANY BEER SPILLED. This is really key. Beer spilled in your doorway will evaporate, and the beer vapor will pervade the hallways. You may as well have been drinking up and down the halls at this point because now everyone knows what you're up to. And they will probably assume that the smell is actually coming from your breath, implying you are much more of an alcoholic than you actually are.

• Make sure you have enough to share. This is important for two simple reasons: you want people to like you and you want people to think you're not an alcoholic who only planned on drinking alone.

• You should plan your workplace drinking far enough in advance so that you're not stuck at work having to drive home. You should bike in so that you can legally transport yourself home (note: bicycle laws may vary by state).

Did I miss anything?

No One Can Touch Me

I am dodging every bullet as they brush by me and fall to the ground. I am weaving across five lanes of highway and my tires never hit a single bumper. I am riding on air. I'm attacked on all sides and every blow makes me stronger. I am executing a perfect 180 on slick, wet pavement. There's a last minute change in plans and I know exactly who to call about that. U—simply—can't touch this.

The Hunt Is On

I open the door and stealthfully step under the door frame. I reach over and flip on the light switch and my eyes are already scanning the room for my prey. They're searching for any motion, any bit of reddish-brown that doesn't belong on the beige carpet or white walls. On average, I'll find one roach somewhere in my bedroom or bathroom as I enter the rooms to prepare for bed. On the nights that I find none, I am highly suspicious (until I fall asleep), and now on nights that I find two I'm not surprised (although the first night I found two I was caught completely off my guard).

Until a couple of weeks ago the hunt was actually challenging. That was before I had gone and bought a second can of roach spray for the house (we usually keep one can handy near the kitchen or living room). Back then I might have had to actually resort to primitive roach-killing tools such as our plunger (very inefficient for obvious reasons), hair spray (not as immobilizing as one might think), or Lysol. Back then it was a true battle of wits in which the roach actually had a chance to survive if only he/she scurried in just the right way. One roach tested my mettle by hiding under the lip of the sink in such a way that I'd have to risk spraying my toothbrush with potentially toxic roach spray in order to get him. He failed, and my toothbrush remained as clean as it was before the incident. Most other roaches are not nearly as clever/lucky and used to be able to rely on their superior agility and maneuverability to evade whatever other crude instrument I might be throwing at them that night. Now they hardly have a chance. Now I have a fully loaded can of Raid at the ready somewhere in my room. It doesn't have a highly collimating nozzle for pinpoint accuracy, but it gets the job done. The best the poor creatures can do is scurry away to die in peace under a sock or behind some furniture.

This next paragraph would be dedicated to discussing how the nightly roach hunt is actually symbolic of episodes that we all go through in life, but that would just be painfully obvious and is therefore unnecessary. One thing I've noticed is that the hunt gives me peace of mind, which is nice to have right before going to bed.