The Observer's Blog

How To Drink A Beer At Work

Here I will summarize some of the salient points of practicing the art of beer-drinking in the workplace:

• If possible wait until most of the people have left. That way, if anyone does see you drinking at work, they will be less likely to think it inappropriate.

• In fact, if you plan on drinking more than a beer or two, you should probably wait until you are about to leave your position at that workplace. People will care less about what you do if you're not going to be around in a couple of weeks. (Actually, it's probably more of an issue of the amount of time their subconscious will have to associate you inappropriate behavior/alcoholism.)

• Depending on the sort of ambience you're going for, you will either want to close or leave open your door. Which option you choose will also depend on the time of day and how "laid back" your workplace is. If your cubicle would be readily visible from the hallway the safest bet is to close your door most of the way. I don't recommend closing the door all the way: if you have a visitor they will probably think you're an alcoholic.

• If you are at all concerned with your image and reputation as a beer-drinker, you will likely be drinking beer out of a bottle. If it's not a convenient twist top, then hopefully you have a bottle opener. If not, and if you don't walk all the way to the break room (this is especially likely if you've already had a few beers), then your only option is likely to use the metal part of your doorstop, a technique which is known to be very effective.

• However, if you've ever open a beer bottle on a doorstop, then you know that you will almost certainly spill some beer in the process. Assuming your workplace has tiled floors, this is certainly an acceptable sacrifice (again, especially if you've already had a few beers) when compared to walking all the way to that break room . . . the important part of this bullet is that you should WIPE UP ANY BEER SPILLED. This is really key. Beer spilled in your doorway will evaporate, and the beer vapor will pervade the hallways. You may as well have been drinking up and down the halls at this point because now everyone knows what you're up to. And they will probably assume that the smell is actually coming from your breath, implying you are much more of an alcoholic than you actually are.

• Make sure you have enough to share. This is important for two simple reasons: you want people to like you and you want people to think you're not an alcoholic who only planned on drinking alone.

• You should plan your workplace drinking far enough in advance so that you're not stuck at work having to drive home. You should bike in so that you can legally transport yourself home (note: bicycle laws may vary by state).

Did I miss anything?