Here are some thoughts about dating.
- First of all, what is dating? It's a sloppy term applied equally to people who enjoy each others company and do activities together as well as to exclusive couples who are practically engaged. The term "friending" or "courting" has been suggested for that phase of dating prior to exclusivity. Sort of like a civil union for dating.
- "People take dating too seriously [comma 'these days' is sometimes added]." Maybe some who say this mean it only because of the uncertainty over the definition of dating, but this is not necessarily so. A boy is afraid to call a girl or spend too much time with her because maybe he will "give the girl the wrong idea" and vice versa. While people try to be careful not to be too serious too soon, sometimes it's unclear what is to be taken seriously, which brings me to my next point . . .
- A boy or girl looks for signals. But signs of affection like kissing have widely been co-opted as forms of entertainment. This can easily confuse a person: A girl expects to be kissed by a boy to show her his feelings. She might just as rationally disregard a kiss from him as meaningless, because she's kissed more than one person she didn't care at all about at the time. Is paying for a meal supposed to be a signal? People expect signals to tell them how "serious" it is, since they are taking dating very seriously.
- There is significant pressure to determine whether it's serious with someone. After all your time is valuable, and your youth is disappearing, and people won't like you when you have wrinkles. Let's say you've decided it's serious. Now you can allocate more time to this person. But by deciding it's serious you've practically committed to this person, since you take dating seriously. But you're not sure if you really want to commit to this person because you haven't spent that much time with them . . .
- Okay, so far what I've said is of little interest to the people in or approaching the exclusive dating relationships. Let's say you happen to survive the all the danger and uncertainty of the beginning and you want to be exclusive. You need an exit strategy. There's no sense in getting into a relationship, finding out it doesn't work, and then being bogged down in it until you can find a way out. The specifics of your exit strategy depend largely on your situation. Whether it's a mutally agreed upon contract like a prenup or a personal limit like cashing in your chips at the casino.
- Marriage statistics for the U.S. are depressing. I propose that a poor dating system is a significant factor in causing this.
Posted by tdupuy at December 26, 2005 3:21 AMI agree, arranged marriages worked for humanity for thousands of years, why are we trying to change it? Clearly the results have been disasterous.
Posted by: E1st at January 6, 2006 4:40 PMWell, it's also been complicated by the fact that nowadays (these days) women aren't chattel anymore and in most places, they're allowed to have an opinion, and usually the opinion is that they don't want to be treated like chattel. That means that these days there are two people in a relationship, instead of just one and a thing he owns. So it's a little more complicated than it's been for the bulk of history.
That said, I'd agree with you that dating is in a helluva mess. So many awesome human beings out there that just go invisible because of the popular orientation to the primacy of beauty and wealth. Disastrous indeed.
Posted by: ae at January 7, 2006 6:21 PMI don't think that's it at all, ae. I was just talking to my great uncle about his courting of my great aunt. I don't think there was ever any discussion of how well they "got each other" or how compatible they were or any of that nonsense. And she was definitely not a passive party in the relationship from the way he told it. She mentioned children one weekend, the next weekend he discussed marriage, and within a couple weeks they were engaged. Badda bing badda boom. An extreme example to be sure, but a real one. I would like to blame TV/movies as the root cause for the mass misconception of how dating works, but that seems too simple and TV/movies' portrayal of relationships could just be a symptom of a deeper cause.
Arranged marriages seem perfectly logical from my (limited) perspective. And not only are they reasonable, but I would not be opposed at all to having one. It's a little late though, and I also have no problem with my parents' decisions in raising me. Really, they were top notch.
Posted by: Trent at January 9, 2006 4:20 AMYeah, Trent, you're getting up there in age. You're way past that arranged-marriage cut-off!
My grandfather was my grandmother's drycleaning deliveryman. She'd wait out on the porch for him to deliver, and that was the beginning of their courtship. They got married a few months later and stayed married for 60+ years. She died last year, and he's lost without her. It certainly wasn't an arranged marriage, but they certainly didn't date around for years prior, comparing and contrasting, picking and choosing from a variety of selections. Once they found each other, they just went with it. And it worked.
Posted by: Bess at January 9, 2006 12:13 PM